It amazes me that so many complete strangers seem to really respect me these days. In fact, it completely baffles me.
Honestly, I seem to go through cycles of being respected or disrespected. It seems I build respect wherever I go and then lose it again when I move...which invariably happens. Then I start all over again building the "respect" of others in a new location. It is an exhausting endeavor, but I generally succeed over time -- except with family, of course. (I will tell you a story about my dad in a minute.)
This kind of "respect" is really useless to me. It is more a product of "admiration" than respect. Admiration is an object, a feeling. Respect is a verb. Respect is something that we give to others when we, not they, are worthy. We respect our parents by obeying them, our teachers by doing our work and showing up to class on time, other people's time by not wasting it, our jobs by doing them well, etc. Do we admire all of those things? No. So what is the point of respect? It is for the benefit of the person giving it and the smoothness of interacting with others. Admiration, though, is for the edification of another.
Men seem to thrive on admiration. Women want respect. When I moved with my daughter to live in my parents' home, she was very disrespectful towards me. It was an attitude she had picked up from her father, a man who never learned to admire quiet, consistent self-sacrificing service. In the environment where he grew up, fear of physical punishment was the overriding emotion that kept him in check. I was raised differently. So in our home, my husband was very noisy and threatening, whereas I was quiet and consistent.
The respect my dad showed my daughter to give me had nothing to do with me. It had to do with him and with her. He showed her to give it because she will be a better person for showing respect to her mother. But by exemplifying respect, my dad further established my daughter's (and my) admiration. (I told you he was smart!)
Honestly, I seem to go through cycles of being respected or disrespected. It seems I build respect wherever I go and then lose it again when I move...which invariably happens. Then I start all over again building the "respect" of others in a new location. It is an exhausting endeavor, but I generally succeed over time -- except with family, of course. (I will tell you a story about my dad in a minute.)
This kind of "respect" is really useless to me. It is more a product of "admiration" than respect. Admiration is an object, a feeling. Respect is a verb. Respect is something that we give to others when we, not they, are worthy. We respect our parents by obeying them, our teachers by doing our work and showing up to class on time, other people's time by not wasting it, our jobs by doing them well, etc. Do we admire all of those things? No. So what is the point of respect? It is for the benefit of the person giving it and the smoothness of interacting with others. Admiration, though, is for the edification of another.
Men seem to thrive on admiration. Women want respect. When I moved with my daughter to live in my parents' home, she was very disrespectful towards me. It was an attitude she had picked up from her father, a man who never learned to admire quiet, consistent self-sacrificing service. In the environment where he grew up, fear of physical punishment was the overriding emotion that kept him in check. I was raised differently. So in our home, my husband was very noisy and threatening, whereas I was quiet and consistent.
At my parents' house, without my husband's presence, my daughter continued to act the way she always had -- with disrespect towards me. In her mind, there was absolutely nothing wrong with what she was doing but my dad caught her mouthing off to me one time. Let me repeat that. He caught her ONE time. In that instant, he stopped reading, raised his eyebrows, lifted his glasses to look straight at my daughter and said, "Don't talk to your mother that way." He paused for her acknowledgment, then looked back at his book.
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| Voyager 2, picture from Wikipedia |
Wow. That was respect. It was also an example to my daughter. Do you think my dad admires me? Well, maybe just a little (another story altogether), but he really has no reason to do so. My dad, Dr. Earl S. Warden, has an IQ of over 140, is a former West Point appointee, a Ph.D. plasma physicist, a member of the team who designed Voyager II, and worked on modifications to the CAT scanner with its inventor, Sir Godfrey Hounsfield. What admirable have I done in comparison? Very little.
The respect my dad showed my daughter to give me had nothing to do with me. It had to do with him and with her. He showed her to give it because she will be a better person for showing respect to her mother. But by exemplifying respect, my dad further established my daughter's (and my) admiration. (I told you he was smart!)
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